I was married for 11 years and had two daughters with my husband. When we separated and I knew wouldn’t have been able to afford the mortgage repayments on my own, as well as the debt we had got into. That was one of the reasons for not ending the marriage sooner because I couldn’t see a way out of it really.
About two years before we actually separated I said to my husband I want out, I‘ve had enough. There were other factors, but part of the reason for staying was that I didn’t see how I would survive with two children, I didn’t know what I could do, I couldn’t see a way out of it. We were in debt, we were half way through an extension that went wrong; there were so many different things, as well as money issues. .
You feel financially strangled, it fixes you to what you know. As bad as it was, it somehow felt safer to stay in something that I knew was not right and was not good, than to think there may be a way out of this but it would mean losing my house, my children’s home – it was all those things as well.
Not only are you ending your marriage with their father, but they’ll lose their bedroom. The children’s bedrooms were important to them, my eldest more so than my youngest as she has a few issues with change anyway – so to uproot her, to uproot her from school, was difficult.
I got the point when I just snapped one day, I thought enough is enough, it can’t go on like this. I think something did snap inside me and I thought anything has got to be better than this. Somehow I’ll work a way, and if I have to sell, it’s got to be better than my children growing up in an unhappy house, that’s just unhealthy.
My husband moved out and rented a two bedroom flat nearby. Because of his debt, he had no way to pay it back, unless we sold the house. I couldn’t afford to buy him out. We sold the house last Spring. My husband cleared his debts. And I had enough to put down a deposit on somewhere else. I was very lucky.
Everybody’s situation is different but the worst thing you can to is to stay. If the relationship has broken down, then staying for anything, for financial reasons or for the children, you just get deeper and deeper into a horrible situation.
Seek advice, speak to someone, use free legal advice. The worst thing you can do is to stay. Once I’d made the decision to leave it was a relief. I spoke to a mediator which allowed me to look at all the options I was facing following the separation. We used mediation to sort out arrangements related to our separation. It was tough, but we did it.
The biggest fear for me was the unknown. My parents and grandparents are still together. Separation has never happened in my family. All those pressures compounded and made it worse. But once I had decided enough was enough it was like a weight lifted, and I could then deal with everything else. When I ended the relationship it then gave me the strength to deal with all the other things.
If you’re worried about ending a relationship contact us for further information. We also help people work out agreements following separation. You can also get in touch with Shelter who provide advice on options for homeowners and for tenants.